The house was dark tonight and I was sitting on the bench in the kitchen. My mom had put out some cereal for me and it was at least 9:00pm. The Utah sky had that beautiful dark blue, stars shining and twinkling—it was so peaceful. “Yum, thank you for the Captain Crunch.” My mom smiled and kissed me on the for-head but no words came from her mouth besides, I love you.
It felt different tonight—and I remember and there was so much worry in my little heart—after all I was just a little girl. Focusing on my cereal I heard in the background “no women, no cry,” by Bob Marley. We listened to him religiously in my house because everyone loved his sound—as they should he’s an amazing artist.
Just as I took a sip of my cereal my mom walked over to me and kissed me on the for-head and I smiled. And then not even five seconds, I saw the lights through our front-of-the-room windows. They were the typical blurred ones but even a six-year-old knows what those bright blue, red and white lights meant—“Mom, why are they here?”
“Don’t worry. Everything will be okay,” The sound of Bob slowly faded and the front door closed. Dad would be home soon. I thought to myself. I tipped myself off the bench and hit moms prescription bottle.
“Phew. What a relief they’re empty.” I thought to myself as I made my way to bed.
When I think back to that day I can picture everything so clearly that it’s almost as though I’m feeling it for the first time again—with the understanding that she attempted to off herself because of the pain my father was causing her—and I don’t blame my Mom at all because sometimes life is hard and Satan will do anything in his power to bring you down to his level. And he’s always worked hard to bring my mother down because she’s this array of sunshine stuck with a dark-cloud haunting her, endlessly for no fucking reason.
Nobody, nobody deserves to hurt like mom did. And if it takes all I have inside of me, one day I hope to look at her and say “no more crying mama.” It’s not too much to ask and it’s not to hard to achieve. That’s where my mind has always been through the abuse, hurt, crying, screaming, lying and beyond. And so has my Mother because she couldn’t handle it anymore. It’s not selfish to think about killing yourself. It’s more selfish of the people causing you to feel that immense amount of pain that you just want to leave forever because it feels like it will never end.
But I just keep tellin’ myself ‘No Women, No cry,” and press on.