The Last Letter to someone I loved, the devilish truth.
A letter to someone I truly loved that left me behind, it’s okay because all of our secrets made us who we are at this very moment.
“I am happpy you told me.. makes me feel like u trust me.”
-Mon 12/6/2010 9:38 AM
You left me behind in the middle of my struggling adulthood, a time where I was questioning everything around me, including my health, my mental health, my sexuality…
And who I wanted to become as a person.
In fact, you left so blindly, you ended up with someone who likely broke your heart. And for that, I don’t and would never say “I told you so,” because you were right when you said “we all need our freedom,” the co-dependency on both levels was existant, that you cannot deny.
Nor can you deny looking me in the face and saying “if you’re bisexual or in love with me, I’ll leave.”
That’s exactly what you did instead of talking to me like an adult and saying, “Hey I’m not like that but..”
You could have been there for me instead of walking away.
But you walking away made me the most independent,
loving person in the world.
There’s never a dull moment while creating goals that have turned into real successes.
It freakin’ feels good to love myself, rather than, you know…
Putting all my eggs in one basket.
The very one you broke.
Leaving a friend behind for some cock.
Meanwhile… Still haunting me, it’s the old you that anyone would miss.
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 2010 14:35:39 -0700
i love you besty and i hope that you are sleeping good and please have a good night tonight and stay positive i know this morning sucked :/ at least it seemed like it and i am soryr for getting upset it just is that i feel horrible :/ it isnt your fault though, its mine..? sigh… idk but please do read that card and there are so many people that love you. i guess i am going to have to try and show you that again huh..? :/ i will do my best to but just i wish you would realize that there are many people that care about you and you dont even realize it.. i love you besty.. things will be ok.. stay positive while your at work tonight.. remember it is pay it forward day. you should be happy..Wed, 1 Dec 2010 14:35:39 -0700
Hun, that’s the truth.
You can’t deny the truth,
Fans are aware you block yourself from seeing me…
Maybe your sick of me, or maybe you are in denial.
Thank goodness I made it out past that part of life.
I hope you can too.
Everyone deserves love,
Why don’t we grow up and admit our faults?
I had them, you had them, we all HAVE
Those unbearable faults.
In fact, yours was falling in love with a devil.
When I knew you deserved better.
Yet you make friends with a past ex,
One who was into child porn.
Very childish and sickening don’t you think?
Remember when, when we laid together
And you told me.
“You should leave him, he’s always had a bad temper even with my siblings when they would play games together in the basement.”
Hunny, you helped me set him up on that application.
You knew he was a cheater the moment he married another woman,
1-month post finalization of the divorce.
The harsh truth, isn’t it?
Nah, it wasn’t just the friend that did wrong, there was the obsession of church values making it impossible to have a dating life.
The temptations of life.
The confusion of falling in love with my best friend.
You tell the world what you want but we all have agency.
Your breath on my lips the night we kissed will forever be a memory.
One you can deny to the world or say “that was a crazy time,” and let it be a memory that you will cherish, rather than hate.
There was something about you [you know this hits you personally because every “HE” always said this to you], something special.
The softness in the kiss and admission via Hotmail made it real.
You were what I wanted, further, the one who got away.
Whether you ever want to waive the mistakes is your decision. But for me, our friendship will forever serve a purpose.
It’s living, breathing and composing at this very moment.
It takes two, it took two controlling individuals to break up the friendship.
Not just one.
The texts in my phone from midnight calls and intimate phone calls.
They remind me.
You liked it.
Control is what we did best and hiding the truth.
I admit fault hun, so why can’t you?
The world may never know but I will and that’s all that matters. The evidence is clear, you still and will always love me.
After all, actions speak louder than words at times.
The only reason you still haunt me is because I’ll never be able to say thank you for letting me grow, instead, some choose to do the opposite.
Let’s just put it to rest, right here and right now.
So, I’ll never hit you up but know, the internet is a smaller place than you think and people talk, you may as well do the same.
There’s no way our communication from the past can be forgotten but pages do turn.
Maybe our friendship was a mistake but it was a learning mistake.
I came out because of you. We loved each other this much…
I’m sorry i didn’t text back fast enough when i got the text a 3:22 and i looked at it at like 5 50.. I haven’t had anyone talk to me or text me at all since you left. So, I dont really look at my phone or pay any attention to it. I just have it on high volume for you when you call. But i will pay more attention to it just in case you text. I miss you a lot. I never realized how much you are my strength in a lot, a lot of things that I do… You should feel so special for that. Because it is very hard to be such an influence on someone. I’m really glad you are having fun, Happy for you, Honest. Um, I do wish i had a nice vacation this year. You know, one that didn’t consist of deaths… Or things like that. :/ but it happens right? I have been mostly doing things alone. tomrrow i’ll go to slcc and get my fin aid taken care of them imma go to raging waters.. I could probably meet someone to hang out with there if i go alone. I can always just say my family is on the other side of the theme park if they ask so they don’t think im such a loner. (even though technically I am) I don’t mind aries being half mine i just haven’t had the energy to watch her but i will help pay for stuff etc. Your dad said we can pretty much give her a chance. He likes her now I think. I do think you should call your parents but idk if when you get this it will be sunday. then it’ll be 4 DAYS TILL I SEE YOU ABOUT. close to five. I don’t really want to go back to work at all.
Yesterday, so. saturday . I went and saw Charlie St. Cloud and then snuck into the movie SALT. Both of them were good. I cried on the one with zac effron. But it was totally worht it. So i spent most of my day at the movies at gateway. Had some mickey D’s and then called my mom when i got home. Today ( SUNDAY) I went to church and they read my name in the membership. I was very, down… I took sacrament and I probably shoudn’t have but i prayed so much for forgiveness. I almost felt like it was ok. I looked. fyi.. sadly.. i’ve been watcihing documentries. Seriously i feel like a loser.
My brother bought me a tony hawk game so i will probably just go do that now. Then go to sleep and try for a new day. Prob going to take my pill though. I bet its really nice out there. I bet its nice being way from drama too. Hope so. anyway i didn’t talk to you at all on saturday. and I didn’t talk to you pretty much at all today either.
Um, alright. So i hope that you are happy, and staying safe and i miss you. SO much
Truthfully, this was the best and worst relationship I have ever had. But tonight, I let it all out and laid it on the table for those who wonder what the hell happened to the famous girl I talk about in this letter…
Obviously a free-write.
To end, anyone else out there who can relate on this level, stand up taller than ever, be prouder than ever and show the haters, the doubters and those who are too pussy to speak truth, rather, they hide behind lies, if you can relate, to any degree, you are better.
Remember, oh remember, never settle for less than you deserve.