Still a Parent: How I lost my butterfly.
“The one who left gentle footprints on our hearts left a story worth telling.”
Unfortunately, we take a lot for granted in life. And it prevents us from creating new memories with your loved ones.
In fact, could you imagine hearing “Happy Mothers Day,” and “Happy Fathers Day,” knowing you lost a child.
It’s a time during the year where famalies celebrate their parenthood as well as their children… you want to be happy for them but it feels like shit.
Frankly, that’s all I feel like I have sometimes after I lost a child two years ago and I have that weight on my heart everyday.
The journey began 2017-2018… I was sophomore in high school and yes I had depression like everyone else at that age but, everything in my life was about to change drastically.
Honestly I felt like every other 17 or 18-year-old you know.
“No one gets me…” ‘Life sucks…” you know the whole nine yards.’
You know how we all got that feeling of I’ll forever be alone…yeah that’s when I got it.
That was until I met Max online… And of course meeting people online is risky, but if not for my mindset back then, I wouldn’t have met Max or my beautiful fiance.
Anyway back to what I was saying…oh yea
Max, Max went to a different school so meeting in person was hard as most people know online and long distance relationships are hard.
Especially when one of you (aka. me) isn’t supposed to have a phone.
The amount of times I borrowed a phone or used the school computer to keep texting him and the one thirty minute call during lunch was always the best part of my day.
Oh, those memories, he always found ways for us to go on dates (which required a lot of sneaking out).
I fought my mom to go on dates with other guys but I would actually go see Max (sorry mom).
Max and I dated for three months before the accident.
I don’t think I ever got over that either if I’m being honest.
We were going to have our first official date that date and I was super excited.
He was hours late and I didn’t find out until later the next day that he was in an accident.
I kept in touch with his family during that time but he didn’t make it.
I never went to see him and I never told my parents what happened.
I wanted to act like it didn’t happen.
We were only together three months but he did more for me then I’ll ever be able to say.
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
I didn’t feel as though I could tell my parents beccause of a scare I had prior to this new situation, and it didn’t go so well, so I decided to keep that to myself as well.
I mean they would figure out later and then they couldn’t do anything about it.
I skipped school with fake notes to go to the doctor and have my check ups.
I had friends drive me so that my parents wouldn’t know.
Truthfully, I struggled at first with if I really wanted to keep it because of Max’s family making me feel like his death was my death.
After the third appointment though I knew that I wanted that baby more than I ever wanted anything in my life. I came up with boy and girl names after that appointment but, I was so excited and scared if I’m gonna be honest.
Stress after that became a very big factor in my life, from school exams, Max’s family and then the people at school.
I was overrun by stress and it was taking a toll on my body.
I found out that my little one was a girl at 14 weeks and it made me the happiest person in the world.
I started calling her my little butterfly and her name was gonna be Isabella Marie Obenchain.
“I’ll love for forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” ~Robert Munsch
I had things planned out weeks and weeks in advance for her. When I say I wanted that little girl I mean it.
She was my world those 18 weeks I had her in my life.
I was asked by the family to go to a get together one weekend at a pool.
I didn’t know that would be the last time I would feel my baby girl growing in me. We were playing around and having a good time like always.
I was running around after my cousins and brother and I fell on my stomach.
I mentally freaked out but I just went to the bathroom to check everything out. I cried when I saw the blood in my swimsuit and I had no clue what to do.
I couldn’t tell my parents anything so I acted like nothing was wrong.
I had no choice but to sneak out and get a ride to the er that night.
As soon as I told the nurse what was wrong she got me back into a room to see a doctor.
They drew blood and took a urine sample but last but not least they did an ultrasound.
I waited maybe 20 minutes before the doctor came into my room looking at me with the most heartbroken face I’ve ever seen on a man.
He said “I’m sorry to have to tell you but,………you’ve had a misscarrge.’ I don’t even remember what happened after that.
I cried for what seemed like forever while he kept trying to make me feel better.
It didn’t help, nothing would…
I merely wanted my baby to be healthy, still alive, and not erase what the doctor was telling me, I felt like a number, just another statistic…
His attempts at telling me he’s “sorry for my loss,” were cold, and he just wanted to get straight to the point and said he had to take the baby out or it could cause problems.
I snapped out of my crying spell when I heard that though. “What?”
I at least think I said that…
He told me that my baby was still in me and they had to induce me into labor so that the decaying fetus wouldn’t cause problems with my body.
He talked about my baby girl like she was a thing.
He had no clue how I was feeling and yet he had walked in with such remorse for my loss.
I told him to do whatever it is he had to do. When through the rest of the process like a zombie.
They were talking about making me give birth to my baby but she wasn’t gonna be alive.
Three hours of pain is all I’m gonna say.
Part of me hoped she would be screaming.
Part of me hoped that it was a lie and she was okay and I would still be able to see her smile at me just once.
She wasn’t screaming, or breathing and she wasn’t moving.
I could feel my heart break as they took her and cleaned her and wrapped her up like she was still with us.
They asked me if I wanted to hold her.
At first, I said no but, I ended up holding her and cuddling for hours crying. I couldn’t believe that she was gone and all I had was these couple of hours.
The doctors came and took her after I gave her one last kiss.
I had her cremated and took her with me. I stayed at a friend’s house that night and when I got home I got yelled at for three hours.
Like I wasn’t in enough pain as it was but, I couldn’t tell them so I sat there and told them I was sorry and I wouldn’t do it again
I went in my room and did my homework like nothing happened. I waited till that night to have my breakdown fully.
I cried for hours and to be honest I lost count.
All I know is the next day was a rough day at school, especially walking.
Oh it was so much pain to walk. I got through my days like everyone else, with a fake mask and well for me lots of pain meds so I wouldn’t fall over.
It’s now been two-year and September 28th was the date I was given that she was would be born.
I loved her then and I love her always.
I was a parent then and am a parent now. She would’ve been two years old this year and I’ve never felt the loss like I have this year.
Maybe because I’ve been on the move since then and I have time to process it.
I just hope that this somehow helps the other parents who have lost a child. Also to the parents who actually have your kids with you cherish them.
Some of us only have a couple of hours in their memory of cuddling their dead child.
So give them a hug and tell them if nothing else just because you have them because some of us don’t have ours and we miss them everyday.
I can only imagine being able to buy and wrap gifts for a little two year old girl and planning her birthday party.
I can only imagine being able to wake her up on the 28th and saying happy birthday and seeing her face light up.
Don’t take for granted that precious life you have in your life because you’re lucky to have that soul in your life.
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